Out Of This World

Today was the Father Heart Of God seminar. Very meaningful and touching. Especially the Iron Man video. Super inspiring! A major tearjerker, that one.

One of the activities was writing a prayer conversation based on the parable of the Prodigal Son, taking one of the characters as your own. Here's mine. Ok, I know it's not a typical one la. It's very story-like. So I guess it's like an allegory? Coz I didn't want it to be just like every other. 

                 I am in the fields. The sun is setting. Man…there’s till so much work to do. There always had been so much work to do. Every since that scum of a fool left, taking all we had. I had to work extra hard to gain back what that fool took. What a traitor.

                I drop my sickle and look at the sun. It is nearly gone. I should get going. I take a moment more to watch the clouds; golden wisps of white streaks across the red sky.

What? Did I hear tambourine? I can hear father’s voice. He is shouting. A servant probably did something wrong. Those servants are useless. They don’t seen to do anything wrong. But nothing will ever be as bad as what the idiot did. Traitor…I was the one who got it right. I didn’t mix around with the bad crowd, nope. I didn’t steal that much money. A lil’ bit, maybe. But no, not that much. And I was working out here in the fields everyday. Father always boasted about me to neighbours. “See my son over there?” I’d wave and they’d smile. If only father knew what I do behind his back. But, no, I have never let him down. Never.

There’s Will. I should ask him.

“William boy!”

He runs up to me.

“What’s going on there?” I nod towards the house. “Ronda burnt the bread again?” I chuckle.

“No master. Your brother came back.”

What?! How…why…when…he’s back?! But—act calm, son. Act calm.

“What?” I smirk. “Well, I suppose Father is giving him a hell of a speech eh? He deserves it, doesn’t he? That fool…”

“Err, no, master. Quite the opposite. He asked me to kill the fattened calf.”

“What?! Oh no no no. This is not happening!” I brush past him as violently as possible. “Why on earth would he do that?” I mutter to myself, knowing exactly why.

“Well, your father gave no reason,” Will calls after me. “Only that your brother is back safe and sound and—

I face him angrily. “Don’t you ever talk about my brother like that! He is not my brother, understood?”

I walk off fuming. I hear the grass flatten crisply under beneath my sandals as I walk. How could father do that? After all I’ve done for him, keeping my reputation clean. He didn’t even let me throw the lavish party I wanted on my birthday! As I near the house I can hear the servants singing. I pick out a vaguely familiar voice. It must be that fool. Why were they partying on such an occasion? I would be mourning—mourning for a fool gone astray beyond point of return. Father’s voice is the loudest. I can hear him ordering the servants about. He sound excited. Excited to punish the traitor probably?

I look through the door and Oh! That fool! Wearing my clothes! And eating the calf I had fed for months! Anger surges like fire through my throat.

“You stupid scum of a fool! Traitor!” I shout my loudest through the doorway.

Everything stops. Everyone looks at me. I look right at the fool and see pain, confusion, hurt in his eyes. Father comes between us and rushes up to me. I turn away.

“Son! What is wrong? Don’t—“

I look at him angrily. “Why are they partying? He doesn’t deserve this party.” I turn away again.

“Son, your brother has returned. And we’ve missed him. I know he has hurt you but don’t you think it’s time to put it away? This prodigal brother of yours has realized the wrong he has done and he’s brave enough to return home, admitting his wrong. Don’t you see?”

I look back into the doorway. Brother is watching us. He sees me and looks away.

“Sort it out with yourself.” Father pats me on the shoulder. “When you’re ready you can come in.” He smiles at me and tries to give me a hug. I move away slightly. Father sighs and leaves.

Why, why, why, why?! Why does it have to be like this? Well, I would have done the same thing, too, I guess…if I hadn’t been too scared. Taken my money and left. Lord, what is wrong with me? Soften my hardened heart, Lord.

Curiosity drives me back to the door. I look in. Brother is still watching me. He eyes are red and a glistening tear runs down his cheek. He mouths the words “I’m so sorry!”

Oh, my brother! How I’ve missed you! Love rushes like a broken dam as I come running through the door. 

I’ve been thinking. Life sends obstacles our way everyday. Yet we never get used to them. Well, I think we’re not supposed to. Butterflies aren’t butterflies unless they had struggled the day they became a butterfly. I struggled and I fought – on a certain few days in Penang. In hindsight, it was a very weak fight on my part. Nevertheless, I had fought…and I had given up. That day, I had sat down at an empty table and mourned my rejection. Dennis didn’t want to be my buddy. Sarah didn’t want to show me her testimony. Ted didn’t listen when I spoke; he was too busy listening to Anne, anyway. No one listened when I sang…and the imaginary list when on and on. I was convinced that no one had wanted me there.  
            “Is there something wrong?” the person beside me asked kindly.
            I turned my head. It was Aunty Mary, eating her lunch.
            I had smiled and said, “Everything’s fine.” Smiled again
            “You look sad,” she said. “You want to tell me about it?”
            I guess I’m not really good at hiding emotions after all.
            “Well…erm…errrrr…” I had hesitated.
            Aunty Mary looked at me with those expecting eyes and I knew I couldn’t hide it from her.    
            “Well, it’s just that …” I paused and Aunty Mary moved closer. “It’s just that I don’t feel that…wanted, you know? Like I’m not needed.” I looked back at her, hoping she understood me.
            “Uhuh,” she nodded her head as she chewed her food thoughtfully. “Why? Why do you feel not wanted?”
            I told her. I must say, though, I did exaggerate my list a little. Just a little.
            “Well,” she said, “the enemy uses these kinds of ways to bring us down. I know, kids can offend us sometimes, right? Trust me, when I first started, I got a lot of backlash. Not only the children, the parents also!
            She had a way of talking about herself without bringing the attention to her.
            “So,” she continued, “don’t let this kind of things bring you down. You mustn’t, okay? You are wanted here, you are needed. We are so blessed by your presence. Just your coming here means a lot to us.” She rubbed my back.
            “It was so good to see you leading the dance yesterday! We need male leaders, you know? Male leaders are hard to find.
            “You have a kind heart, a gentle heart. I mean, who would promote the Orang Asli and take the trouble to write a song? You have a generous heart, Lester.
            Slowly, the tables and trees around me blurred. I realized I was tearing.
            “Can I pray for you?” she asked as she put her arm around me.
            I nodded. She prayed and the tears plopped out. I was officially crying.
            I can’t remember much about that prayer, but I know I felt empowered, uplifted by that simple prayer. And I remember Henry wiping the table in front of me, trying not to stare.  
            “Amen,” she concluded. I wiped my cheeks and smiled.
            “Thank you,” I said gratefully and left the table.
            That was it. We never mentioned or talked about it again.
            That conversation must have been the most haunting conversation I’ve had in my entire life so far. Why? Because that afternoon and the following days were so surreal; I couldn’t believe I was actually living them. I felt no fear at all, no terror of being in front of people. I had no qualms, no doubts about what I did. I didn’t even let anything break my confidence. But most important of all, I felt love. I felt love to Dennis, to Sarah, to Ted (and Anne) and everyone else.
            However, that was the last I felt of it when I came home from Penang – this glorious wonder, this wonderful marvel, this marvelous extravaganza. But I don’t want to lose it. I really don’t. So I need to gain it back. I need to get it back, no matter what. Because I have experienced it, and trust me, it is the best position to be in. It is the best feeling to feel. It is the best light to shine. It is a confidence that you have in yourself, not a pride in what you are or do. No. It is an assurance gained from knowing, deep down inside, that God loves you. And it overflows so much that it touches everyone around you.  
            It is being a sugar cube in a cup of tea. It is being the only cloud in the sky. It is being a butterfly and   bringing life to everything you touch.      
            *All names have been changed to protect privacy. Except mine, of course.